It is Saturday, I woke this morning slightly groggy, I tell you, get to 28 and one night out ( not even a late one really) on a school night leaves you shattered for the rest of the week, and this week I have had two, so a bit of a lie in … till 8:30 was well deserved!
On the bright side we have Toms dad here this weekend helping to make our utility room look a little more presentable. Our boiler, washing machine and dishwasher (which we never use anyway) are now all neatly tucked behind some lovely cupboard doors, making that room in the house much less of an eye sore. Just need to paint them, fix the walls up and maybe get some greenery in there to make it feel all tranquil and a nice room to walk through to the garden… actually, I say garden but I actually mean small yard thing, like you get with all victorian terraces.
We have come to a halt with the house. In January I had a bit of time off, as work is always pretty quiet at the start of the year, so it was full steam ahead with getting our new abode looking how we wanted, however as soon as February hit, work got full on again and I am finding myself working a very un healthy (I will come to this in a minute) 16 hour days. So progress with the house has taken a back step. Don’t get me wrong its looking ok, its looking presentable, like it is going in the right direction but no room is completely finished.
Where does it go? I swear at the moment it feels like I do not have enough hours in the day. I usually start working at 9am and finish about 11//11:30pm when Tom gets home from work.
In a search to find more hours, last week I started getting up at 6 am. Lets be honest...the first morning was a struggle but after a day where I felt like like I had been more productive then I had in ages and I was up to date and on top of emails by about 10am and then even managed to switch off that evening putting my laptop down and enjoying the night, the desire of wanting to feel like that again made the following mornings 6am alarm much easier to handle.
I have always thought I was an evening worker. Finding most my energy and creativeness peaking at 9/10 pm but maybe I’m not, maybe I have just been doing it wrong.
Even the days where I had work out of the house, (studio work, photoshoots) I thought I would be shattered come the evening, but you know what I wasn’t… I think part of that has actually been because by the time I left the house I had done a majority of my to do list meaning I didn’t spend the day thinking/worrying about everything I had to do when I got home, I meant my energy wasn’t wasted and I could relax knowing I was on top of it and let me tell you, it felt bloody great.
The reason for wanting to change is that I have found myself with no social life. I have struggled to even make time to even call my friends this last month which has left me feeling disconnected and stuck. Stuck in the house, stuck on my own, stuck in my own mind, stuck in my to do list. Which turned in to unnecessary feelings of loneliness.
I will be in constant battle with myself. One half of me desperate to get all my work finished, and half of me desperate for a bit of fun. I get a fear of going out too enjoy myself or even just spending quality me time at home for fear I will fall behind in my own expectations of my career. honestly, I put far to much pressure on myself. I often find when I am in this mood even if I do go out I feel like I am not really there as my brain will be thinking of other things which then only furthers my desire to stay in and work.
Work - When I say work, there are a few different types of work, Work I have for other people to pay the bills so photoshoots, editing and running my photography business, then there is work which I am starting to find coming my way as my following online is growing a little, then there is the work for me, the work which is what I want to achieve to further myself to get to where I want to be in my career, the skills I want to improve on, the ideas I have to improve all my businesses. - the latter usually gets put to the side or gets half done due to the time constraints of the others.
Sometimes, when I’ve had a long stint of this, none stop to do lists and self expectations, I feel lonely, but I know all I need to do to fix that is to make plans with the friends I know I have, but again this feeling of too much work creeps in and I think well… “I’ll stay in and get it all done and then arrange something next week.” Of course, next week comes around, I still have work to do as it is a nice steady flow of jobs at the moment and I am stuck in again. I know I make too many promises, fast turn around on jobs and deliverables as well as a mix of knowing that the more I get jobs completed in the evening means that I don’t have to book out another day in my dairy and can fill that with another paid day.
Hopefully one day all this will pay off. They tell me that hard work does! Haha.
So anyway, I have come to realise the hard way that I need to make a change. I need to make sure that whatever happens I need to have a majority of my evenings and weekends free for me. Free for Tom, free for my friends and family, free to continue to fix the house and free to get out and enjoy the world. I am looking forward to making this change in March.
See you at 6 am!