The power of talking
One of my proudest, and what feels like one of my only achievements from last year is finally plucking up the courage and to go to counselling/ therapy or whatever you want to call it.
I wanted to share my personal experience here in case it has been something you’ve been thinking about and wondered how to go about it, had any doubts or felt unsure if it would work for you.
Why did I go?
So it’s something I have been saying, and have felt that I needed to do for quite possibly around 10 years now. A long time to be putting something off. It's been something I’ve mentioned in passing to friends, in general conversation when someone has mentioned they’ve been to a therapist before and when I’ve been upset.
I think I was just very aware, sometimes the way I reacted to certain situations, what I thought about certain situations and how I coped with those situations something didn’t quite feel like it should and every so often I would be triggered and I knew the amount of sadness I was feeling I was struggling to find a way to process past situations/ traumas.
Last year as the world came to a bit of a halt and we were all forced to slow down, I think a mix of being made to have more time to sit with how I felt, grieving a loss of a family member and not being able to have the excuse of “ I don’t have time” or anything to keep me busy to distract myself, and on top of that dealing with the uncertainty and anxiousness which was thrown upon us all. It became very clear that I needed to find some help.
My experience:
It is really scary, finding someone you’re going to open up to. I had no idea where to start looking, and then no idea how to choose. I have always thought I am quite an open person so it wasn’t the talking about myself I was worried about it was more that I was so desperate to feel OK again I was scared of it not working or not finding the right person and I didn’t really know where to go to find help.
I googled “Therapy Manchester” which seemed like a good place to start.
I’m not going to lie, it was a bit overwhelming. Lots of smiley profile pictures and “about me” blurbs which all kind of sounded the same and lists of qualifications I had never heard of... but don’t let that put you off.
I decided to go private as I had saved money for it and didn’t want to clog up the NHS service as I always told myself, as a lot of us do, “ there are people far worse off than me” and that I was probably just over reacting anyway. This is a lesson learnt. Your feelings are always valid and it's so important to prioritise how you feel and your mental health instead of pushing it aside. Another thing which put me off seeking help for years was the cost of it, I always told myself I can’t afford it but actually and the way I looked at it this year is… soo I could afford to go abroad on holiday but I couldn’t afford to pay to help my mental health?! I think all this time my priorities had been slightly wrong..
Anyway back to what I was trying to say.. I had a budget so what really helped me narrow it down is looking at the prices to the cheapest therapist/ counselors. I actually worried that they wouldn’t be as good as the other more expensive councillors.. Which I now, out the other side, realise that is nothing to worry about. The most important thing is to find someone you connect with.
In the end I used the https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk which is a registered website and was recommended by a friend who works in the industry, all the councilors listed are certified and registered so I knew it was safe to use.
I chose someone because I found the words they had written in their bio connected to me in some way. I had a free introductory 30 min phone call, (most people offer a free phone call or 30 minute intro session) and then two sessions.. Maybe three actually and I can’t explain it but something just didn’t feel like it had clicked.
I decided to have another look online and then selected another 4 people I liked the look and sound of and had a free half an hour introduction session with each of them. This time having a slightly better idea of what it was about and being more selective with who I chose. I actually felt so unloyal to my previous therapist and worried that I didn’t want to hurt their feelings or make them feel like they weren't good enough but that was just something I was going to have to get over because ultimately it didn’t feel right to me.
This is so important.. If you’re unsure that the therapist you’ve chosen isn’t right for you, Change, try someone else. I feel like deep down your gut will tell you if they are not the right person for you.
Oh I should probably also mention the type of counselling I had is Person Centred Therapy. Although there are all different types, and it depends on what you think might be best for you.
https://www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/types-of-therapy
The first session I was so nervous I made Tom wait outside for the hour.. Just in case?
I was shaking and I was so nervous. I didn’t know what I was supposed to say or talk about and I felt incredibly vulnerable. It wasn’t long until this went away and the session just flowed naturally, which put me at ease, Each session seemed to go so fast. I ended up having 13 sessions in total with the new councilor. It varies for each person and there is no right or wrong.
It was only my last two sessions in which I didn’t cry through. Personally I found whatever question or sentence I found hard to say which then led to tears was usually the right path to explore that day.
It makes me laugh now how looking back I would go in and be like “ Hi, how are you? Yeah good thanks” and then within about 2 minutes I would be running out of tissues already. It showed me how important it was to have a space to be able to open up and be vulnerable in and also how easily it is to pretend that everything is ok when there is more going on inside.
What has changed?
It happened so subtly over the course of time that I almost wasn’t aware the changes in me were even happening. I have improved my relationships, I have made more space in my head so I am able to process things instead of becoming overwhelmed by my own thoughts or reactiveness. I have so much more understanding of myself and who I am and what coping strategies work best for me, and that I need to be so much kinder to myself and how to do that as well as how to comfort myself for anything life throws my way. I feel more rational, more present in the moment.
To me counselling is extraordinary. The power of talking. by talking through my thoughts, what was on my mind, what's been on my mind and have never wanted to say out loud, things slowly start to make sense, you can recognise triggers and the why you think the way you do about things, and over time you realise that it is not because you are a bad person or no one understands you. You feel safe to be honest with yourself, ask yourself the right questions which you might never have done before.
If I am honest, I wish I had done it years ago because it made such a huge difference to how I feel within my house which is why I wanted to write this post, in case you are considering seeking some help and just need some reassurance that it will be ok.
Tips which worked for me:
After a few sessions I had to go to work almost straight away and others I had a free afternoon. I found that actually it was important for me to keep the day free of any big commitments ( although I acknowledge I am very privileged that I could do this as I work for myself and being in a pandemic work was very limited so I had time). I was often absolutely exhausted after each session and personally I found I needed time to process everything which had happened in that session for me to really get the benefits of it.
After each session I wrote in a notebook. Just anything which was in my mind which I wanted to get out. Things I wanted to remember that I thought would be helpful. How I felt, anything I wanted to mention next week. Questions I had. Just anything really.
I’ve mentioned this before but changing councillors after the first sessions didn't feel right, but was so important! I don’t think I would have got the same out of it if I had just stuck it out the first time round for fear of offending the counselor I was seeing. So I would say that talking to a few councilors on the free trial is very important before you make your decision as to who you want to continue with.
Researching what therapy would suit you best and asking the councillors what their experience of your situation is.
Be kind to yourself. It is such a huge step to even decide to seek help, you should be proud of yourself for even doing that.