Turning 30

A couple of weeks ago I turned 30 and if I am honest I was super apprehensive about it. At the start of the year I was like.. Right… 6 months till 30… Lets really push for everything I want to achieve by the end of the year! I set myself some targets, aims, and thought about what it is that I wanted on my so called “bucket list” if you will. However then COVID came along and put a big stop to that and since then I have felt completely in limbo and unsure.

There still seems to be on social pressure on women reaching 30. ..like time is running out. Should I be married? Should I have children? However my main thought/worry was.. Am I where I want to be career wise? I think I always thought I’d be a little further… a little more accomplished and a little more comfortable… a little more figured out?

There are things on my to do list which I have said I wanted for so long, but do I? If I have not done them yet what is stopping me? Do I actually want them? Or are they old goals which I no longer feel passionate about and is just having them on my “list of things I want to achieve” creating an inner anxiety in me thinking I have not achieved them yet when actually I don’t feel the drive to do those particular goals any more… Seriously the over thinking was on overdrive as it has been since lockdown if I am honest. 

One of the main thing which seems to get me in to a dangerous cycle of comparison is seeing people who are, in my own eyes, achieving more or where I want to be and realising they are maybe 6-10 years younger than me… add in the comparison with the over thinking and you have a 29 and 11 month year old, sitting in a towel, on the end of her bed with wet hair, staring into space with a worried expression and a lack motivation or drive and not knowing where to start.

When I get into this headspace I always try to imagine if I lived in the olden days… so far back when letters were delivered by a man on horseback. When you probably had no clue what anyone else was up to apart from in your immediate circle. Haha.. it sounds crazy but I just do.

As “dooms day” got closer I was speaking to friends about it who had already or were about to also turn 30 and everyone’s general consensus was that they weren't worried about it, had got over the over thinking stage or generally were just feeling like they knew themselves a bit more or were more confident in themselves and didn’t give a … about what other people were up to.

I needed to channel some of this energy. To focus on what I had, what I loved about my own life and remember that everyone’s paths and minds are different and stop putting unnecessary pressure on myself.

To focus more on the positives I turned to the one audio book which always gets my mind on the right path. “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne.. 

I set myself more realistic goals in the current climate, I looked at what was really important to me, particularly what I’ve come to realise during lockdown. What causes I want to support and also spent a lot of time looking back on all my own achievements and feeling more gratitude for what I already have and how far I have come. 

The birthday came and went and you know what it was actually pretty painless.. I had a lovely day and surprisingly there were no tears about how old I am now. 

Going forward..

I feel like I’ve had a bit of a refresh. I am certainly feeling more grateful and happy with what I already have rather than focusing on what I *think* I haven’t got . I have started doing brain exercises which I have explained here to keep my mind on its positive track.  It sounds silly but there is a new trend on tiktok where the voice over says “ You have to start romanticizing your life. You have to start thinking of yourself as the main character because if you don't — life will continue to pass you by. And all the little things that make it so beautiful will continue to go unnoticed. So take a second, and look around and realize that it’s a blessing for you to be here right now.” Have you seen it? People have been putting lots of clips of their life together. I loved all the ones I’d seen but was convinced I had nothing to put in it and so I decided to make own and you know what. I loved it! From now on I am going to make small videos of the little beautiful moments instead of just the big moments to remind myself that everyday is beautiful.

I also think it is so true that you do need to romanticize your life and make yourself the main character in your own movie. I don’t mean become selfish, just start thinking of yourself a little more and staying focused. I’m know everything I’ve learnt so far will mean that the next decade will be the best yet.

I am looking forward to what is next!